I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
