we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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