The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
A+ Viking dick
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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