Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
