his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
