Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
