So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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