I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
