your thong is hanging out like whoa
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just invented taco cereal.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
