I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
