woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
