So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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