Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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