I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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