I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
