I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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