theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
