It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
