She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
