So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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