so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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