My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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