So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
