I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
