True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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