Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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