i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
