iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
