Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
