i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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