i'm lost and i look like a hooker
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
