So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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