Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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