Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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