Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
