I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
