On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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