arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
