Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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