im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
