i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I will die if light touches me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
