I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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