and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
