i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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