I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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