I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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