Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
