I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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