And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
