no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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