i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
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