i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
