so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
