Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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